i love cereal and hate spiders

Some of you have asked why I don’t do Top 5 Lists anymore, so…

TOP 5 REASONS I GO TO THE GYM:

5)  TO SHRINK MY FAT ASS (At least a little)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s always nice to naturally have the kind of ass-cushioning you usually have to order from an Ethan Allen catalogue, but unlike an Ethan Allen couch, it’s not okay for the crack between my cushions to be showing.  Also, Becky, it might be ok if I WERE one of those rap-guy’s girlfriends, but my boyfriend is a skinny white guy who it’s taken nine solid months to master 55-60% of “Empire State of Mind”.  And if you’re wondering whether I’M black, I just mentioned Ethan Allen above, so…

4)  RUNNING OUTSIDE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PROVE TO THEMSELVES HOW FUCKING SLOW THEY ARE

Listen, there’s no better reason for quitting your exercise program than running around Vondelpark (or any park) and slowly realizing that a 40-something Dutch dad jogging with a double stroller is lapping you.  Luckily, no matter how well you (unknowingly) replicate the slow-motion run from “Chariots of Fire” on pavement, on the treadmill, you look like you’re keeping pace. (Bonus! You can watch your fat jiggle in the mirror, too!)

3)  SEEING FATTER/UGLIER/MORE-DEFORMED PEOPLE TRYING TO WORK OUT AROUND YOU IS A CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

I actually just threw that one in there for everyone back in America.  Almost everyone here is like Legolas from Lord of the Rings except with giant quads and more hair (NO DUDES in Holland are bald…my theory is that they traded tenacity, ambition, and passion for hair that never falls out).  So I’M probably the one that Dutch gym-goers look at smugly.*

*See: Things to Confront in Therapy, Vol. 2.

2)  22 CHANNELS OF GLORIOUS AMERICAN AND DUTCH TELEVISION

Matt and I don’t have TV at home, and all of the elliptical machines at my gym have built-in TVs.  Un-dubbed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie + Dutch subtitles = Haley knows how to say “dude” and “cowabunga” in Dutch.  (Ok, fine, “Cowabunga” is still “cowabunga”.  But it would be pronounced “cov-a-bunggggg(start making a loogie here) ahh” in Dutch).

1)  ’16 AND PREGNANT’ 

(Extension of Reason #2)

If those dumb bitches weren’t pregnant every day at 1:00 on MTV, Reasons #3-5 would be over-ruled by the desire to be day-drunk, hoovering Doritos in a bath of my own cheddar cheese tears.