i love cereal and hate spiders

“Hi, I’m Robert Pattinson!  I look like a pale carrot!…I have squinty eyes and look like a pale carrot.”

My mom got a subscription to BlueMountain.com so she could make ecards to send me…about the squirrel.

Dad enters with new potted plant.  Moments later…shouting.

Mom:  Well, I don’t want the plant!

Dad:  I’m keeping the fucking plant!

Mom:  It’s ugly!

Dad:  I’ll keep it in the basement.  It’s my plant.

Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. My Mom’s Story of a Squirrel

I’m home visiting, and although I love my parents very much, they don’t seem to “get” modern television unless it’s a medical reality show or “Iron Chef”.  They are especially clueless when it comes to comedy.  Last night, I managed to convince my mom to watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, hoping that she’d get it based on the “Seinfeld” reunion plot line.  Not only could she not tell the difference between the two blondes in the episode, she continually brought the (one-sided) conversation back to a gigantic squirrel who currently lives in our front yard.  Here is the conversation as follows:

While watching the “Officer Krupke” episode:

Mom:  Wait, so is that his wife?

Me:  No, mom, have you been watching?  It’s this other lady reading for the same role.  Virginia.

Mom:  Well, so where’s his wife?

Me:  She was just on.  She’s the other blond.  She’s actually his ex—nevermind.

Mom:  OH.  They look the same.

Me:  Because they’re blond?

Mom:  Did Dad tell you about the HUGE squirrel living in our front yard?  It’s like, 40 pounds!

Me:  No, mom.  Hang on, watch this.

Mom:  So I was coming home the other day, and there was a bag on the front door.  Julie Bowler had sent us cookies for coming to Matt’s wedding—

Me:  Mom!  Look, he’s singing “Officer Krupke”!  From “West Side Story”!

Mom:  Oh!  (Singing) Gee, Officer Krupke, we’re down on our knees, cuz no one likes a fella with a social disease….so ANYWAYS, I go inside and realize I need to get the bag off the door.  So I go to the front door, and on the other side, through the glass, in the bag, I see this HUGE squirrel!  I mean, he must have been like, 40 pounds!

Me:  Yes, mom, you said that.

Mom:  We both startled each other and just froze and stared at each other.  He was in the bag!  B, corroborate this for me.  You were there.

Me:  MOM, I believe you!  Let’s talk about this after the episode.  Look, Jerry Seinfeld!

Dad:  She’s right.  It was a big squirrel.  I’ve seen him other times.

Mom:  Yeah, he LIVES in the front yard.

Me:  Mom!  Dad!  Will you guys pay attention to the episode?  This is funny!

Dad:  (referring to Larry David cussing) Geez, definitely likes to use the language.

Mom:  So, the squirrel just jumped out and ran off.  And in frustration, because he couldn’t get to the cookies in the tin, he ate half the card!

Me:  Ugh.

Mom:  He was like 40 pounds!

Me:  MOM!  I get it!  He was 40 pounds!  Look, now the episode is over.  I have to re-watch it.

Mom:  Why?

Me:  Because I couldn’t hear it.

(The credits start playing with the original song “Officer Krupke”)

Mom:  Gee, Officer Krupke, Krup you!

…more to come.

And now, I present to you: My MobileMe conversation with Michael F of Apple.

General Info Chat start time Nov 9, 2009 3:06:36 AM EST Chat end time Nov 9, 2009 3:33:26 AM EST Duration (actual chatting time) 00:26:50 Operator Michael F. Chat Transcript info: queue_cmd:1:0:1
info: Hi, my name is Michael F. . Welcome to Apple!
Michael F. : Hello.
Haley Mancini: hi i would like my member name please
Michael F. : May I have your full name and your date of birth please.
Haley Mancini: haley mancini
Haley Mancini: 9/##/##
Michael F. : Thanks.
Michael F. : Can you answer the question.  What’s the name of ####’s cat?
Haley Mancini: (name of cat)
Haley Mancini: pl
Haley Mancini: ok
Haley Mancini: so
Haley Mancini: i know my password
Haley Mancini: just need the name
Michael F. : I
Michael F. : had
Michael F. : to
Michael F. : ask
Michael F. : you
Michael F. : that
Michael F. : information
Michael F. : before
Michael F. : I
Michael F. : gave
Michael F. : you
Michael F. : your
Michael F. : username
Haley Mancini: sweet
Haley Mancini: why
Haley Mancini: are
Haley Mancini: we
Haley Mancini: typing
Haley Mancini: like
Haley Mancini: this
Haley Mancini: michael
Michael F. : (username)
Haley Mancini: f
Michael F. : is
Michael F. : you
Michael F. : your
Michael F. : user
Haley Mancini: oh
Michael F. : name
Haley Mancini: see
Haley Mancini: i
Haley Mancini: tried
Haley Mancini: that
Haley Mancini: hmm
Haley Mancini: we
Haley Mancini: have
Haley Mancini: a
Haley Mancini: pickle
Michael F. : Let me reset your username.
Haley Mancini: wait
Haley Mancini: we are in
Michael F. : Great News/
Haley Mancini: this is like that part in jurassic park where the power comes back on
Haley Mancini: you know
Haley Mancini: you know the part
Haley Mancini: except we’re safe on the main land
Michael F. : Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Michael F. : Have I resolved your issue today.
Haley Mancini: michael f, you slam dunked this issue
Haley Mancini: you went space jam on my issue
Haley Mancini: are you in cupertino?
Haley Mancini: is cupertino real?
Michael F. : I’m glad I could.  It would not be right for me not to be able to and I have the same shoes Michael Jordan had on in the movie on my feet now.
Michael F. : Yes it is real, but I;m in dallas texas
Haley Mancini: that’s pretty incredible
Haley Mancini: you must have to work a lot to pay for those shoes
Michael F. : Not really, they were just $170.00
Haley Mancini: you looked that up on the ‘net
Haley Mancini: i don’t believe your false tales of fancy shoe
Michael F. : No I did not.  I have my original pair on from 2000 I’m a shoe collector.
Haley Mancini: f u
Haley Mancini: that’s not true
Haley Mancini: really?
Haley Mancini: that’s baloney sandwich
Michael F. : Yes.  As I stated I collect shoes. Got these my senior year high school
Michael F. : Sorry if you don’t believe me.
Haley Mancini: michael f! michael f!
Michael F. : You can pick you up a pair when they come back out in December
Haley Mancini: <riotous fist pumping>
Haley Mancini: ..riotous fist pumping..
Michael F. : You may want to pre order, or you will have to go to the mall very early, most likely around 12:00 AM the night before just to stand in line
Michael F. : space jam pre order click here
Haley Mancini: whaaaaa
Haley Mancini: michael f
Haley Mancini: you have changed my life tonight
Haley Mancini: kick dallas in its sorry ass and own it
Haley Mancini: you are a king among men
Michael F. : I’m just a simple guy.  no praise needed.
Haley Mancini: ok i’m going to bread
Haley Mancini: goodnight michael f
Haley Mancini: you’re like jet jaguar but better
Michael F. : Okay.  Have a good one.

Emmys were tonight,

Terrorist found in CO,

Patrick Swayze. Sigh.

This is not real, this is not real, this is not real…please tell me this isn’t real.

theidiotking:

nedhepburn:

(via willzone)

11 year old me is NOT happy.

Something to kill yourself to…

…is my favorite Simpsons quote, I’ve decided.  What’s YOUR favorite Simpsons quote of all time?

Quintus Ennius, in The Annals, describing Rome’s refusal to surrender after losing the Battle of Cannae to Hannibal and the Carthaginians (he fought on top of elephants!).

During that battle, Rome lost 50,000 out of their 87,000 soldiers.  Directly before that, they had lost two other battles to the Carthaginians; they had lost over 1/3 of their senate, and both consuls (the heads of state, like the president) had been killed.  AND Hannibal was just down the road from Rome. But they didn’t surrender, which was nutso at the time.

So, thanks to that, we have the modern world.

Holy balls.  There’s a lesson in not giving up, eh?